I got so stressed I cried

Emotions, Keeping Your Self

By Eilat Aviram

I had a challenging week.

Because I had to do something very uncomfortable.

What I mean is that it challenged my paradigms of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’.

And in case you’re thinking I’m about to tell you something big and dramatic, I have to disappoint you and say, it’s a trifling little thing that shouldn’t have caused me a moment’s tension…

Yet it had me sobbing with stress.

I’m not joking.

Sobbing.

The reason I want to share my trifling little adventure with you, is because it represents something we struggle with SO much.

Permission to do things the way that feels good to us.

What happened is this.

I’ve been busily preparing an accredited course for doctors, therapists and healers called ‘How To Love Yourself In Your Decisions’.

Soon I will tell you how it came about, because it was quite magical… but for now what you need to know is that I’m bouncing with excitement about it.

BOUNCING.

I’ve prepared a free introductory training…

I’ve set it all up…

There are some healthcare practitioners already waiting to sign up…

Buuuut my website – which has been a problem child since November – isn’t yet ready to be able to host all this.

I’ve been patient with it, I’ve pushed, I’ve accepted, I’ve railed against the unfairness of it all…

And still…

My website has learned it’s self-love lessons well, and continues to do things at its own unhurried pace.

And I’ve been losing my mind.

Because the course was supposed to start in June.

And I’ve already delayed its starting date once.

And this is ridiculous!

I wanted announce it this week, so I tried to herd all these rebellious moving parts to perform the way I thought was the ‘right’ way.

I became quite desperate to control various things that I have no control over and trying so hard to get it all done in time…

Finally I landed up sobbing in a snotty, red-eyed heap.

Not really surprising.

It happens when we get stuck thinking something ‘should’ be a certain way so we push against it instead of flowing with it.

I did use the Love Question, of course, but now I can see that I didn’t really let myself consider the responses I got from my heart.

I went to talk it over with a trusted person.

She challenged me to delay this again but I was outraged. “WHAT?! No! I can’t do that. You don’t understand. It’s supposed to start NOW.”

But it was ME who didn’t understand.

I had stale old beliefs that were telling me I couldn’t do what was glaringly the self-loving thing to do.

It’s that old chestnut; “Yes, yes. I KNOW what I would do if I loved myself, but I just CAN’T you see, because of (insert many imaginary worries).”

I saw myself grapple with this really simple decision – The website isn’t ready yet, I need more time. Starting the course now will stress me out so I’ll start it a bit later when I can enjoy it.

It could be so simple BUT I saw again how very difficult it is for us to ALLOW ourselves to simply do things the way we would like to. The way that feels good to US.

We are so busy navigating the things our parents or society told us are the ‘right’ way to do things, that we don’t even let ourselves consider the obvious self-loving options.

But they ARE there and they are allowed.

You have permission to exist.

As you.

I’ve postponed the start date of my course. I’m still breathing through that brave choice.

I hope you do a better job than me this week and easily let yourself DO THINGS THE WAY THAT LEAVES YOUR CHEST SOFT AND YOUR HEART HAPPY.

Just ask yourself, “If I loved myself, how would I do my next task now?”

Then do it that way!


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